Still Dying, Earth Quaking, Love Me Again
By Kelley Stephens
The tectonic plates are shifting after the quake leaving me unsteady, unsure of which road to take. It was confusing constantly pausing overwhelmed by thinking of you and your stresses, your ambitions, your successes and sadness. The whole time I am buckling and falling hard shattering between your walls.
Feeling small, little, incapable. So what is it that is so surprising about the way my body won’t move? You told me to stay, commit, keep put. So where do you get off on that commitment? It was you who obviously was never honest.
You grip handle bars for stability and balance, you trust in your mechanic to give you a sense of support and this is where you are supposed to excel at trust; this is supposed to be a team, a home, a road you can always rely on to guide you back to who you are. Comfortable being yourself with you again.
Remember when I listened to that beat that made my raw body leak from my belly to the floor? I was scared after her. It meant the man who was supposed to love me found me replaceable and baby it was hard so hard to dream next door counting stars while she got the real thing. It all happened with me believing we we we we….
Slipping on the sound of your voice and again unforgiving like dominoes lined up caving in and after four years of hearing bones slam it makes me want to run. So I found a saving anchor in a suffering sea of liquor; where I’d send the memories of my father, my mother, possible unborn daughter and you my now ex-lover out to drown as I cried every broken promise a young mother made to her son; while you pretend to be a saint you never were.
Just an FYI and still you can’t hide your love for me in the moment so your emotional indifference gets lost on the nights spent back inside our sheets. Did you have to be the bloody exit wound that stained them? Should’ve never really counted me out of the race after all. I am that sore painful hangnail you keep biting but I keep hanging on.